Laughing Out Loud (lol) and Other Irritating Sayings

Lol: meaning 'laughing out loud'. How else would you laugh? Have you ever heard anyone los (laughing out silent)? You can smirk; you can smile; you can be silently gleeful, but if you see a silent laugh, it's probably just a bad case of wind.

Even a chuckle or a chortle is heard. A giggle is louder still; a cackle is verging on the same decibels as laughter, it’s a wee bit creepy, but it's loud enough to be heard above the washing machine. But, unless you have your hearing aid switched off, or you're twenty or more yards away from its source, laughter is always aloud. Although, it's not always allowed (lol)-:(

Anyway, what do you have to laugh at? You're an aging would-be geek, sitting at a computer, trying to be personable, and scratch a few pennies off the internet, because there's no proper jobs left in your part of the World.

And, I can’t imagine you working a QWERTY keyboard and laughing at the same time - and if you ever had to sneeze, driving round a hairpin bend, you'll know what it's like laughing out loud whilst fumbling for your specs and trying to text on a mobile.

Now teenagers, drive like that all the time. And, if I remember right, the convulsions you get sneezing are one thing; the kind you get with your girlfriend, while driving - are dangerous. You’re silently gleeful, of course, but for the sake of good manners, you’re not laughing out loud.

Contradiction in Terms: An expression used by clever smug boggers, who could just as easily say, "make your mind up". They could even raise one eyebrow, and say "make your mind up", in a supercilious, condescending manner, whilst sipping their tea with their pinkie in the air, and that still wouldn't be quite as irritating as a smug, self-opinionated twerp, going round pontificating, with “that’s a contradiction in terms”.

Buts: I'm going to put 'I'm sorry but', 'you say that but', and 'I hear what you're saying, but', all together, to save time. (Although, I'm not in a hurry - I could rant all day.)

'I'm sorry but', is used a lot in my locale; it's said in utter cold blood: "I'm sorry, but I've just clamped your car for being 2mm over the line". (Aye right, and you're fresh out the Mad Frankie Fraser School of Human Kindness.)

'You say that, but' and 'I hear what you're saying but'. Now, whenever I hear - ‘you say that, but’, I know someone's about to be called a liar, in a highly sophisticated manner, (as taught in UK public schools) and they're going to duck the question by saying 'I hear what you're saying, but'. Here, in the UK, politicians and media interviewers share these expressions as freely as dogs share genital odours/aromas, just before they rip each other's faces off (the dogs, I mean). About sixty million Brits are shouting at the telly. “Just call the rissole a liar, ya’ smarmy git! We all know what he is; he's a politician, and his lips are moving”.

Well, I've had enough for today, and I'm sure you have too. I had a list as long as your arm and I've only touched on about three irritants. (Why do people say 'a list as long as your arm’? Why don't they use their own arm to measure with? It’s closer at hand... Gawd, I've started again). I've also (I won't say got) an irritatingly, anal retentive computer that keeps pulling me up about my grammar - (it's not laughing out loud; it's laughing aloud - just saying, lol) so, enough's enough.